is made for
September 24, 1998
By Franklin Harris
The best-selling item Monday at Amazon.com, the Internet bookstore, was "The Grand Jury Testimony of William Jefferson Clinton: August 17, 1998." The four-hour video was expected to be available for shipment Friday.
Other presidents are the subjects of grand, glowing tribute videos. They still sell Ronald Reagan videos on television. Bill Clinton, however, is the subject of videos that are on a level with "Jerry Springer: Too Hot for TV!"
It's the president's fault, of course, but that is beside the point.
Other presidents also have major motion pictures made about them. John F. Kennedy, Hollywood's favorite president, has several, as does Hollywood's least favorite president, Richard M. Nixon.
Oliver Stone made one about each.
President Clinton's story, on the other hand, isn't the stuff of lavish, big-screen epics. It's the stuff of cheap, direct-to-video thrillers, action movies and exploitation flicks. It makes for the kind of movie you see late at night on Cinemax.
Knowing what we now know, it's obvious that the "Primary Colors" version of the Clinton tale is too classy.
No, Mr. President, no more John Travolta portrayals for you. Not unless Travolta's career nosedives again, anyway.
I've given some thought to what exactly a made-for-video Bill Clinton movie would be like.
It wouldn't actually have to reflect the truth, whatever that may be. If there is one thing Oliver Stone has taught us, it's that you should never allow reality to stand in the way of a good story.
Besides, this many lies into the game, I doubt even the president knows what really happened.
Casting is crucial, and the first person to leap to mind is the queen of erotic thrillers, Shannon Tweed. Tweed, used to playing calculating and manipulative characters, would make a perfect first lady. That she's already starred in a video titled "Scorned" is only too appropriate. Of course, if Shannon is busy, we could cast "Scorned 2" star Tane McClure.
Or maybe we could take a different approach. Women who wish Hillary Clinton would just give her husband what he deserves might like to see the first lady portrayed by Lana Clarkson, star of "Barbarian Queen" and its sequel, "Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back."
Finding someone to play the president is a bit more difficult. Outside of action stars like Don "The Dragon" Wilson, B movies don't have leading men to match their leading women.
My first thought was that maybe Andrew Stevens, producer and star of the "Night Eyes" trilogy of erotic thrillers, should play the president.
But maybe we could go with someone with a little action-movie experience?
Perhaps we could cast Wings Hauser, who is probably best known -- to the extent that he is known -- for playing Marc Singer's evil brother in "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time."
The best thing about having an action star play the president, is that when the president needs to bomb a pharmaceutical plant in order to divert attention from his sex scandals, he can lead the raid himself.
Every movie needs a villain. So, who plays Ken Starr?
When in doubt, there is always Robert Vaughn. He can use his "Man from U.N.C.L.E." experience to squeeze information out of hostile Clinton Administration witnesses.
Of course, there will also be plenty of bit players.
After her "Exorcist" fame wore off, Linda Blair appeared in scores of low-budget films, including women-in-prison flicks. Perhaps she could make a cameo appearance as Susan McDougal.
And we can't forget the femme fatale of the whole affair: Monica Lewinsky.
Monica is a tough part to cast. One candidate is Michelle Bauer, star of "Vampire Vixens from Venus," "Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama," and other films whose titles are more fun to say than the films themselves are to watch.
According to the Internet Movie Database, Michelle is at least 40 years old, but she still looks like a sorority girl.
Athena Massey, a veteran of Roger Corman films and star of the rental-counter classic "Undercover," is another possibility.
Still, if we wait a year, we could get lucky. Monica might decide to play herself.