From Episode #93, "Dogs, Dogs, Dogs"
|Opie: Pa, them dogs are out there. They are
out there in that open field. (Thunder) I'm worried about 'em Pa.
Andy: Well, you needn't be.
Barney: Opie, you don't have to worry about 'em. What could happen?
Opie: Well, that lightning, what about that?
Barney: Oh, a dog can't get struck by lightning. You know why? Because he's too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now if they were giraffes out there, then we'd be in trouble. You sure don't have to worry about dogs. (Thunder)
Opie: I'm worried about 'em, Pa.
Barney: What were dogs a million years ago,
wild animals, right? Wolves, coyotes, they know how to hunt and fish and look for shelter.
You take them two big Airedales. Why they looked as healthy as horses to me. And the
little spotted one, he was in fine shape.
From Episode # 90, "Barney's First Car"
|Barney: This is just about the
biggest thing I ever bought.
Andy: It's a major step.
Barney: The last big buy I made was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.
Andy: What did you get them?
Barney: A septic tank.
Andy: For their anniversary?
Barney: Yeah, oh they're really hard to buy for. Besides it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. Two tons of concrete, all steel reinforced.
Andy: You're a fine son, Barn.
Barney: I try.
From Episode #108, "Opie and His Merry Men"
|Aunt Bee: Andy, did you take an apple
pie from home this morning? I've lost my apple pie.
Andy: I didn't take it.
Aunt Bee: This is strange. Mrs. Brewer called and said someone walked off with half a turkey, Mrs. Jason called and says somebody has raided her fruit and vegetable bin.
Andy: Huh...Mrs. Porter just said somebody took a whole ham.
Aunt Bee: Heavens, what do you think it is?
Andy: I don't know.
Barney: You know what I think it is?
Barney: I think it's a fox.
Andy: A fox?
Barney: Yeah a fox. Come down out of the hills. You know we had this dry spell, well they come down out of the hills for food and water. That's what it is. A hungry fox forging around.
Aunt Bee: A fox, for goodness sake. A fox, loose here in Mayberry? (Aunt Bee leaves)
Andy: A fox, huh?
Barney: Yeah, a fox.
Andy: Will you answer me one thing?
Andy: How can a fox open a refrigerator door...
From Episode #103, "Opie's Ill-Gotten Gain"
|Barney: Boy, I tell you, if I ever
came home with anything less than As, I just didn't dare come home.
Andy: I don't remember you getting all As.
Barney: I did that once. Remember? The teacher made such a fuss about it that all the kids hated me.
Andy: I don't remember.
Barney: Well, it's a fact. I didn't want 'em thinking I was some kind of a snob or an egghead or something, so I buckled down and got bad marks.
Andy: That must have taken real effort.
Barney: You think you're kidding. Listen, an IQ can be a mixed blessing sometimes. Some people want it and can't get it. I got it and had to get rid of it. Life's funny that way, you know?
From Episode #91, "The Rivals"
|Barney: Nice guys finish last.
I know, I went through it. Little Vickie Harms. I wasn't no bigger than
Opie. I met her over by the ice cream parlor. Stepped outside one day with my
raspberry snow cone, there she was. She just stopped me cold. Head to foot, I
was just clammy all over. I knew it was love. Icy chills just run all over me.
Andy: Sounds to me more like your show cone was leaking.
Barney: Boy I sure did like her.
Andy: She didn't like you back, huh?
Barney: Oh well no, it wasn't that so much. I don't know. It was mostly her stuck up attitude.
Barney: She used to walk around in long curls and print dresses and patented leather shoes and her nose up in the air. Boy she really thought she was hot stuff.
Barney: Oh her Daddy was in the civil service. Boy if I knew then what I know now. She used to do one thing that really used to burn me up.
Andy: What was that.
Barney: Well you know how I like snow cones...
Barney: Right. Well there wasn't a day went by that I didn't offer that girl a bite of my snow cone. You know what she used to do every single time?
Barney: She used to bite off the end, sip out all the syrup, and leave me with nothing but the ice.
Andy: The ice?
Barney: Yeah, the ice.
Andy: That's terrible.
Andy: Today you'd know different.
Barney: Oh are you kidding. Listen if I had a date with Vickie Harms today, and I got myself all shaved, and I went over to her house with my snow cone, you know what I'd do?
Barney: The minute she opened that door, I bite off the end of the cone, sip out the syrup, and hand her the ice. What do you think of that?
Andy: Well I'll tell you the truth, Barn. If I was Vickie Harms and a thirty-five year old man come up to my house with a snow cone in his hand, I wouldn't even answer the door.