The Auburn Guide
To Dating Etiquette
Auburn Handbags by Alan Stuart

1. Do not enter your aubie date in a female mud-wrestling contest without asking her permission.

2. Do not refer to your hunting dog as "the other woman in your life."

3. Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until at least the third date.

4. Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy about climbing into a truck with tires that are taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear jeans.

5. Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should be saved for the fifth or more date, unless, of course, it's the only clean shirt you have.

6. If the aubie woman drives, never, ever try to get away with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat on the hope that she won't notice. She's not like your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always roll down your window when you need to spit.

7. Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can, even if you're trying to tell her that she's real sleek.

8. Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.

9. Never tell a aubie woman straight out that you can't have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would be psychotically jealous.

10. Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she's wearing high heels.

You're An EXTREME AUBURN Redneck When....
EXTREME AUBURN Redneck 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is 'out of your league' bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, Watch this.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15.. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a Law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


Aubie Fans IN GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it is still considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the matter how good his manners are.


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.

However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.


1. Did you fart?, cause you blew me away.

2. Are your parents retarded?, 'cause you sure are special.

3. My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.

4. Do you have a library card? , 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6. If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

9. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

10. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

12. Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you
since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Auburn New Fight Song
War Eagle! Crank the John Deere.
Break out the Redman, shotgun a beer.
War Eagle! Inbreds delight.
Where Brothers & Sisters unite! GO! GO! GO!
Back to the trailer! Fire up that grill!
Savor the flavor of last night's roadkill
War Eagle! Big COW COLLEGE. Cesspool of Dixieland!!!!

Auburn Logic
Two aubie rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to university of auburn to get ahead. The first one went to see a auburn professor who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked the first aubie redneck.

The professor answered "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do", answered the aubie redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the auburn professor.

"That's real good", the aubie redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a mobile home."

Impressed, the aubie redneck shouted, "AMAZIN "And since you own a mobile home, logic dictates that you have a wife. "That's Betty Mae. This is incredible!!" The aubie redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the auburn professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class

The first aubie redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his aubie friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" the second aubie redneck asked his friend. "Math, history, and logic," replies the first aubie redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his aubie friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"

"No," his aubie friend replied. "You're a queer, ain't ya ?"

Hitch Covers

A AUBURN FAMILYCLICK FOR Application For auburn Driver's License
Pull My Finger

Modern Man Descends To The Lowest Life Form!


* NOTE: Intended as a parody only. Any resemblence to actual person names is purely coincidental. *