Votes: 025je (4.1)
Selected by: Dave Hemming
Lee was: the Incarnation !
Answered on: 15 Sep 2005
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Excuse me, are you there? >
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Her voice was like an angel's. And I could tell she was a looker just } from the shape of her shadow on the frosted glass of my office door. } That's my name on the door: Orrie Cull. I find the answers to } people's questions. Sometimes what I do isn't pretty, but I do it } well. } } "Yeah, doll, come in." } } She opened the door and came in. Like anyone in my business, I give } her a good once-over. She had a figure that wouldn't quit, just like } my eyes wouldn't quit looking her over. } } "Oh, I'm so glad to find you in, Mr. Cull." } } "I'm glad you found me, too, Miss . . . ?" } } "Cant. Miss Supp Leigh Cant." } } "Well, Miss Cant, what can I do for you?" } } "I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Cull. They say you know all the } answers." } } Then she hesitated and looked around my office. A lot of my clients } have to work up to telling me what they need. I handle some delicate } business and it's not always easy to tell it to a stranger. Some } almost grovel before they work up the courage, but I could tell she } wouldn't be one of those. } } She was distracted by what she saw. I'd acquired some pretty odd } items in my years in this profession. They were scattered around my } office like pepper on a baked potato. They'd even make you sneeze } like pepper if you disturbed them because most were covered in a nice } layer of dust, like newspaper on a sleeping hobo. She suddenly } remembered herself and looked back at me. } } "I have a rather delicate situation. Are we alone?" } } "Yes, Miss Cant, we are. I always work alone. My only partner is } named Smith & Wesson and half the time we're both loaded." } } Some people say I'm too forthright with my clients. I say I just tell } it like it is and how they react is their problem. } } "I see. Well, I have a very . . . special question I need the answer } to." } } She sat on my desk and leaned across. } } "You see, I need to know . . . ." } } "Yes?" } } "How much woodcouldawoodchuckchuckifawoodchuckcouldchuckwood?" } } Bam! She got me. I'd left myself wide open like a door on a tenement } house on a hot summer day. I fell out of my chair on to a floor that } was cold like a morgue. I figured it wouldn't be long now until they'd } cart me off to one. } } She peered over the desk at me to make sure she'd gotten the job done. } There was no question that she had. } } "Sorry, Orrie, it's nothing personal, just a job." } } She turned and started to walk out. I tried to ask her who hired her, } but trying to talk felt like trying to breathe in a sandstorm. Then, } just as she got to the door she stopped. } } "Oh, the rodents of unusual size say 'hi.'" } } Then she walked out. I'd made a lot of enemies over the years, but } most of them knew better than to try anything with me. I should have } known it was that gang that had hired her. } } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why they call it "black and } white" when it's really all shades of grey. }
Notes: I've never written anything in the film noir/hard-boiled detective style before. If I'd had more time, I probably could have done a little better. And in case you couldn't tell, yes, I intentionally peppered the text with bad similies.
I was maybe a little surprised that this got digested. However, I was very surprised at how popular is was with the voters. It's my highest rated Oracularity to date.