ID: 1393-09
Votes: 025je (4.1)
Selected by: Dave Hemming
Lee was: the Incarnation  ! 
Answered on: 15 Sep 2005

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Excuse me, are you there?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her voice was like an angel's.  And I could tell she was a looker just
} from the shape of her shadow on the frosted glass of my office door.
} That's my name on the door:  Orrie Cull.  I find the answers to
} people's questions.  Sometimes what I do isn't pretty, but I do it
} well.
} "Yeah, doll, come in."
} She opened the door and came in.  Like anyone in my business, I give
} her a good once-over.  She had a figure that wouldn't quit, just like
} my eyes wouldn't quit looking her over.
} "Oh, I'm so glad to find you in, Mr. Cull."
} "I'm glad you found me, too, Miss . . . ?"
} "Cant.  Miss Supp Leigh Cant."
} "Well, Miss Cant, what can I do for you?"
} "I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Cull.  They say you know all the
} answers."
} Then she hesitated and looked around my office.  A lot of my clients
} have to work up to telling me what they need.  I handle some delicate
} business and it's not always easy to tell it to a stranger.  Some
} almost grovel before they work up the courage, but I could tell she
} wouldn't be one of those.
} She was distracted by what she saw.  I'd acquired some pretty odd
} items in my years in this profession.  They were scattered around my
} office like pepper on a baked potato.  They'd even make you sneeze
} like pepper if you disturbed them because most were covered in a nice
} layer of dust, like newspaper on a sleeping hobo.  She suddenly
} remembered herself and looked back at me.
} "I have a rather delicate situation.  Are we alone?"
} "Yes, Miss Cant, we are.  I always work alone.  My only partner is
} named Smith & Wesson and half the time we're both loaded."
} Some people say I'm too forthright with my clients.  I say I just tell
} it like it is and how they react is their problem.
} "I see.  Well, I have a very . . . special question I need the answer
} to."
} She sat on my desk and leaned across.
} "You see, I need to know . . . ."
} "Yes?"
} "How much woodcouldawoodchuckchuckifawoodchuckcouldchuckwood?"
} Bam!  She got me.  I'd left myself wide open like a door on a tenement
} house on a hot summer day.  I fell out of my chair on to a floor that
} was cold like a morgue.  I figured it wouldn't be long now until they'd
} cart me off to one.
} She peered over the desk at me to make sure she'd gotten the job done.
} There was no question that she had.
} "Sorry, Orrie, it's nothing personal, just a job."
} She turned and started to walk out.  I tried to ask her who hired her,
} but trying to talk felt like trying to breathe in a sandstorm.  Then,
} just as she got to the door she stopped.
} "Oh, the rodents of unusual size say 'hi.'"
} Then she walked out.  I'd made a lot of enemies over the years, but
} most of them knew better than to try anything with me.  I should have
} known it was that gang that had hired her.
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of why they call it "black and
} white" when it's really all shades of grey.

Notes: I've never written anything in the film noir/hard-boiled detective style before. If I'd had more time, I probably could have done a little better. And in case you couldn't tell, yes, I intentionally peppered the text with bad similies.

I was maybe a little surprised that this got digested. However, I was very surprised at how popular is was with the voters. It's my highest rated Oracularity to date.