Grace Bros. Gramophone Department

Presented by Miss Jackson

Welcome to the Grace Bros. Gramophone Department page!

This page will feature all the juicy gossip going on in the department and what we hear about other departments.

“Big Cat” Display Unit Causes Havoc in Electronics/Computer Department

The new JDU (Jaguar Display Unit), fondly referred to as “Jobsy” by Maintenance, caused quite a stir when it spontaneously combusted after a demonstration of the speed of the new Mac OS X operating system (dubbed “Jaguar”). News of the demise of the JDU was happily received in Ladies’ Wear, where department head Mrs. E. Slocombe had been worried that a “big cat” in Electronics/Computing might threaten her beloved Tiddles.

Merry Christmas!

All of us here in the Gramophone Department wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and a most pleasant winter solstice!

Grace Brothers Christmas Sales Down Only 27%

Despite the failure of our site, Christmas sales in 2000 are only down 27% instead of the predicted 75%, no doubt helped by such recent promotions as our “Like a Virgin” Lingerie sale in honour of Madonna’s recent marriage; and, in particular, the Gramophone Department’s tribute to the woman who might have been the USA’s next First Lady, Tipper Gore (£2.71 off all items bearing a “Parental Advisory” sticker and all Iron Maiden CDs). We fully expect 2001 to be an even more glorious year for Grace Brothers!

Happy Birthday, Prince William!

To celebrate the coming-of-age of the cutest little heir apparent this side of…, well, I mustn’t get carried away with myself. Let’s see…to celebrate Wills' 18th birthday, all departments here at Grace Brothers will offer an 18% discount on all goods that have been in stock since the day of William’s birth. In addition, Men’s Wear is having a very special event in multicoloured y-fronts (this week only).

Gramophone Department Named “Department of the Month”!

The Gramophone Department has been named “Department of the Month” for finally depleting its stock of Sir Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind” CD single; and for its many charitable works, including donating 5,000 NSync CDs to various institutions for wayward youths.

Grace Brothers Web Site Delayed

Grace Brothers Ltd. had planned the grand unveiling of our web site/interactive electronic shopping experience 1 May, but unfortunately the name “” is already owned by a pickle processing firm in New Jersey. The site will be up, however, as soon as the webmaster can decipher the Adobe PageMill manual.

Update: Unfortunately, Adobe has discontinued PageMill, so all departments will have a whip-round to come up with enough money for the webmaster to purchase Macromedia Dreamweaver.

What’s On in the Store 2000

Rumour has it that Mr. W. C. Humphries of Gent’s Ready-Mades arrived at his post yesterday with a black eye and strange purple marks on his neck, apparently as a result of a misadventure with a “therapist”. He will be recuperating at home for a few days, and we here in the Gramophone Department wish him a speedy recovery.

I must apologise for the trouble caused recently by the temporary head of the Gramophone department, Mr. Bendall’s step-great-nephew Tony. It was most unfortunate that he chased away 15 customers, but even more alarming was his accumulation of over £300 in phone charges faxing his résumé to American employment agencies. I have again been placed in charge of the department until Mr. Bendall recovers from his injuries.

This week, we've gotten in a shipment of Alma Cogan CDs, and we're eagerly anticipating a shipment of Bachelors cassettes. I've been trying to get the department manager, Mr. Bendall (who’s been with the firm almost as long as Young Mr. Grace), to let us carry more modern artists, but, well, he’s pretty much set in his ways and prefers mellower sounds to that rock-and-roll.


In response to several rather frantic customer enquiries, I must announce that we do NOT have the new Yellow Submarine songtrack on 78 rpm disks. This department has not had any 78s in our stock since 1985! We do pride ourselves on being up-to-date as far as music distribution technologies are concerned.

The first floor departments (Ladies' Wear and Gent’s Ready-Mades) recently conducted their annual Holiday Girl pageant. A certain “Debbie” (who suspiciously resembled Mr. W.C. Humphries) won first prize, with Miss S. Brahms finishing second. There was a bit of a row when Mrs. E. Slocombe tried to intimidate pageant host Captain S. Peacock by viciously wielding a blow-tickler and then committing assault with a deadly boa (scarf, not constrictor). “Debbie” will now be holidaying in Los Angeles, where she (or he) hopes to perhaps appear on one of the USA’s top game shows.

Mr. Bendall is still “resting comfortably” at home after his accident, so I will be remaining in charge for now. We are a bit short on staff at the moment, as several juniors are staying with Mr. Bendall to assist in the administration of physical therapy.

Special Update:

Sadly, Mr. Bendall recently crashed his Rolls-Royce whilst watching Jerry Springer on his custom-installed TV monitor. The car was a total loss, but our Mr. Bendall is recovering nicely in hospital—he even managed to persuade the nursing staff to set up a television in intensive care so he could watch his favourite football club, West Ham, in action. As Assistant Manager, I'll be in charge of the Gramophone Department for now. I sincerely hope I will give every satisfaction as Grace Brothers' new “record girl.”

In honour of Russian Cosmetics Week Part 2, we'll be featuring Melodiya LP remainders especially imported from Russia. I know you're as excited about that as we are.

What’s on in the Store:

First, we'd like to extend our deepest sympathies to Mrs. Betty Slocombe of Ladies' Wear, as her sweet little pussycat, Tiddles, is gravely ill and has been in hospital for a week now. We've heard that Mr. W.C. Humphries from Men’s Ready-Mades has gone the extra mile to comfort Mrs. Slocombe in her time of trial—buying her gifts, cooking special meals, and spending nearly every night at Mrs. Slocombe’s flat. There have been some nasty rumours in Accounts of a more-than-platonic relationship between the two, but I personally think that’s rubbish.

Miss Jackson
Assistant Manager, Gramophone Department
Grace Bros. Ltd.

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