"On a brighter note Ray, 18% of all (plane) crash survivors crawl away with at least 3 out of 4 limbs."
(Fraser to Ray as their plane falls out of the sky)

"I think he may be *a* pilot, I don't think he's *our* pilot. There's dandruff on the collar of his flight suit. There's none on his scalp."
"Oh, and for that we shoot him?"
(Fraser and Ray)

"I did read a flight training manual in my grandmother's library. There were a couple of pages missing, but I'm sure nothing vital. And I'm guessing that there are a lot of similarities between a Sopwith Camel and today's light aircraft."
(Fraser)

"Can you give me a reading, Ray?"
"It's your compass; you read it."
"I can't, Ray."
"Well, I can't either; why can't you?"
"I'm blind, Ray."
"You're *blind*?"
"As a bat."
(Fraser and Ray)

"That was a tree."
(Ray, after a blind Fraser confidently walks straight into a low-lying tree branch and is knocked to the ground)

"My God, Ray. Another plane crash. What are the odds?!"
(A slightly out-of-it Fraser to Ray after they stumble upon their own plane crash)

"Ray, measure my legs."
(Fraser)

"Bannock. My grandmother made it."
"Tasted good?"
"No. Tasted like a hockey puck."
(Fraser and Ray)

Fraser: "Ssssh."
Ray: "What?"
Fraser: "Ssssh. I think I hear a nest of furry nightcrawlers."
(Fraser going off in search of nutritious food)

Fraser: "Steve."
Ray: "What? You called me Steve."
Fraser: "No, I did not."

Fraser: "Ready?"
Ray: "Ask me again and I set you on fire. We agreed you're in charge of being blind and I'm in charge of seeing. Anything I left out? Good, then justlet me do this, all right?"
(Ray is annoyed at Fraser's constant questioning of when the campfire will be ready)

"Moooody."
(Fraser commenting to himself at Ray's irritated behavior, unaware that he's the source of it!)

Fraser Sr. "I'm talking to my son. Do you mind?"
(to Vecchio Sr., during a heated conversation between both fathers and sons)

Ray: "Talking to yourself?"
Fraser: "Evidently."
(Ray walks into on one of Fraser's talks with his dead father)

"Yeah, very funny. What, do you think you're a wolf or something?"
(Ray to Diefenbaker, who is howling in the darkness)

"Oh, good. I'm glad you brought that up. Would you please tell my _why_ exactly it is that We Must Always Get Our Man?"
(Fraser to his father)

"I can see!"
(Fraser to Ray after he regains his sight and seconds before he knocks himself out by hitting the underside of the raft)

"Some yutz in a hat."
(Ovitz's response Fraser's query on the new Mountie's identity)

Welsh: "...setting aside this penchant you and Constable Fraser have for shooting each other..."

Welsh: "And Vecchio, this incident might fade from my mind completely were you to stay out of trouble for 24 hours. "

"This is how they punish Mounties in Canada? They make them dress like Americans?"
(Ray to Fraser regarding Fraser's new uniform, which Fraser doesn't particularly like)

"Francesca: "I think it's kind of cute."
Fraser: "Thank you kindly, Francesca."
Ray: "Look, you just keep your eyes on the road and you keep your eyes in your head."
(Francesca compliments Fraser's uniform, Fraser thanks her, and Ray tells the two of them to keep to the matter at hand)

"She can make you wear a dead animal on your head?"
(Ray to Fraser regarding the Mountie's new fur hat)

Fraser: "She's an intelligent young woman, capable of handling herself in any given situation."
Ray: "You really believe that?"
Fraser: "Not at all."
(Ray and Fraser discussing Francesca)

Ray: "All right. check for ventilation. "
Fraser: "Got it. And we are in luck, Ray. It is completely sealed off. Airtight. Obviously for security purposes. Rest easy, Ray. The money is perfectly safe."
Ray: "Oh, that's a relief, because for a moment there I was concerned that all these little Thomas Jeffersons were going to run out of oxygen."

Fraser: "Ray, there's inherent danger in all police work."
Ray: "No, Fraser, there's an inherent danger in working with you."

Fraser: "No doubt some foot patrol will chance upon the scene and notice something is amiss."
Ray: "In Chicago?"
Fraser: "Good point."

Francesca: "He hang up! I'm standing here with a gun to my head and he won't even come to the phone!"
(As she gets disconnected while trying to call Ray with demands from the bank robbers.)

"So, keep dialing. What kind of a bank robber are you?"
(Francesca harping at Caroline Morgan, who then waves a gun in the woman's face)

Ray: "Where the hell did you get a tuning fork?"
Fraser: "That's not important, Ray."
(discussion over the oddball equipment Fraser carries with him)

"You see, now I have them exactly where I want them. They think I'm nuts!"
(Francesca to her fellow hostages, her are more terrified of her than the robbers)

Ray: "Ok, so they have the drills, they have the explosives, and they have my sister. And we've got... What have we got, Fraser?"
Fraser: "We have our wits, Ray."
Ray: "So they have the drills, they have the explosives, and they have my sister. And we've got... What have we got, Fraser?"
Fraser: "Well, there's always Diefenbaker. He's ever alert to an emergency... In fact, I think he'll go straight for the nearest avaiable help. "
(Dief ignores several policemen and other emergency workers on his way to the Canadian Consulate.)

Fraser: "The upshot of this, Ray, is that we need a plan."
Ray: "Well, there is a plan, Fraser, and it goes something like this: They drill the door, they blow the door, they shoot us with automatic weapons and we die."
Fraser: "Hm-hmph. What about a happier plan, Ray. A plan in which we surprise them, we disarm them, and we rescue the hostages? "
Ray: "And we do all this with a tuning fork? Look, Fraser, if I had a choice between one of their plans and one of yours, I'll chose theirs. It's probably safer."

Fraser: "You know, Ray, there's only one way to break out of here, rescue your sister, and prevent this robbery... It will be dangerous. You'll be risking your life. You'll have to trust me implicitly."
Ray: "No, I don't trust you at all."
Fraser: "You don't really mean that, do you?"
Ray: "Yes, I do. Why should I trust you? In the last two years you've risked our lives 24 times."
Fraser: "Huh. I'd no idea it had been that many."
Ray: "Yeah, it has."
Fraser: "I didn't realize you'd been counting."
Ray: "Yeah, I just felt I should because you didn't seem to pay any attention to it."
Fraser: "I'm sorry if it upsets you, Ray."
Ray: "I'm not upset. I just wish you'd ask me in advance."
Fraser: "How far in advance?"
Ray: "How about, let's say an hour?"
Fraser: "What if there's a crisis--?"
Ray: "Just ask me."
Fraser: "I'm asking you."
(Ray says he'll think about it. Fraser waits impatiently.)
Ray: "Ok, ok, what is it? No, no, don't tell me. Just do it, ok? Because if you tell me, two things are going to happen. One, I'll think it's stupid, and two, you'll do it anyway."

Francesca: "I know we've only known each other a brief time, but for some reason I feel a deep kinship towards you and your cause. And now I know that I want to dedicate the rest of my life to whatever it is that your life is dedicated to."
Bank robber: "We are stealing money, lady."
(Frannie tries to distract bank robber.)

Fraser: "You know Ray, there are worse things than dying."
Ray: "Really? Name three."
Fraser: "How about two."

Ray: "You know, I thought duty was something you got paid to do. This is more like voluntary stupidity."
Fraser: "I'm sure there are some people who think that's what good deeds are, Ray."
Ray: "Well, aren't they?"
Fraser: "Well, I don't know. I've never thought about it."

Ray: "My eulogy. I would have liked you to deliver it."
Fraser: "Well, I'm honored, Ray."
Ray: "What would you have said?"
Fraser: "Well, let's see. I think I would have said you were a good friend, and that you never failed me... Well, except for that one time."
Ray: "What time?!"
Fraser: "You know, Ray, to discuss it in a situation like this would be considered nitpicking."
Ray: "How did I fail you?"
Fraser: "You didn't really. I'd almost forgotten about it."
Ray: "Well 10 seconds ago you didn't. This is so like you. Here we are having a nice mano a mano, and you have to ruin it by being honest."

Diefenbaker: [bark]
Mountie Will: "Trouble?"
Diefenbaker: [bark]
Mountie Will: "Canadian?"
Diefenbaker: [bark]
Mountie Will: "Lead on!"
(Diefenbaker runs all the way back to the Consulate to get REAL help)

"Think of me fondly."
(Francesca, to fellow hostages who begin moving away, when she starts fraying wire to explosive charges)

"Fraser, I am drowning on dry land."
(Ray to Fraser, trying to get the Mountie to admit he's unappreciated at times)

"Yes, occasionally I *do* feel unappreciated."
(Fraser)

"I'm sorry for apologizing."
(Fraser to Thatcher)

Thatcher: "You ran into a burning building to save a Mohair sweater? Pardon me if that sounds like sheer stupidity."
Fraser: "No sir. Stupidity would have been if I had gone back for your leather chaps."

Ray: "She wants me bad."
Fraser: "I think she wants to kill you."
Ray: "Hmm. That, too."
(discussing Louise St. Laurent)

Ray: "She's playing hard to get."
Fraser: "Get what?"
(Ray claiming St. Laurent is interested in him.)

"Oh, he can't help that. It's a Canadian thing, sir. I think he gets extra points for neatness."
(Ray to Welsh regarding Fraser's straightening up of file folders)

"Elaine, you have no life. Stop whining."
(Ray to Elaine when she says she wanted some peace and quiet on her day off)

Fraser: "He claims to have an altercation... with a floor."
Welsh: "Any particular type of floor?"
Fraser: "Interlocking linoleum, I believe."
Welsh: "Oh yeah, yeah. That can very tricky."
(talking about Ray's problems in jail)

Lt. Welsh: "Is there anything that I can do to assist?"
Fraser: "Well, nothing actually, sir, no. Due to the nature of the situation, I would prefer to do this off the record and on my own initiative. I simply felt that I ought to notify someone, force of habit I imagine."
Lt. Welsh: "I see. And this new inspector, she's not the type of person you could..."
Fraser: "No sir, she's not the type of person you could...well let me put it this way, we seem to lack...rapport."
Lt. Welsh: "Any idea why?"
Fraser: "None in the slightest."
Lt. Welsh (beckons): "Women in authority. It's a quandary. It shouldn't be, but it is."
Fraser: "Sir?"
Lt. Welsh: "I mean, you want to treat them like the rest of the guys, you want to have them nod off in strategic planning sessions, you want them to have sweat rings, or maybe a little too much garlic on their breath. But no, no, not women. Women smell good. Women look good. And then they smile at you, and before you know it, you're smiling back. And the first time they tear a piece off you, it's like somebody's sticking an ice pick through your heart."
Fraser: "Sir...sir? I have no idea what you're talking about."
Lt. Welsh: "Permission granted, Constable."
Fraser: "Thank you sir."
(Fraser is attempting to get into jail to confer with Ray)

"I can do this."
(Fraser, more to himself, as he goes off to steal some candy, but he can't do it)

Ray: "So, what did you steal? A car? A television set?"
Fraser: (mumbling under his breath) "Milk Duds."
(Fraser being prodded into explaining how he ended up in jail)

Fraser: (Hands Ray a copy of "Remembrances of Things Past") "This is for you. It's missing a couple of pages, but seeing how the whole thing is one long run-on sentence, I don't think you'll mind."
Ray: "Is it funny?"
Fraser: "Oh, it's hilarious -- if you like that sort of thing."

Ray: "Lloyd P. Nash. You want to know what the 'P' stands for?"
Fraser: "Is it pertinent?"
Ray: "Not even close."
(Ray going through Nash's 'jacket')

"Fraser, if you're going to keep doing that, people aren't going to be able to find anything around here."
(Ray admonishing Fraser for straightening up the files)

"You recorded that conversation?"
"Yeah, it's a new policy. Antime I go anywhere with you, I record everything. Maybe because if I have to go to court, no jury will ever believe the damn things that come outta your mouth."
(Ray and Fraser)

"Shoot him, son. Shoot him between his rat-like little eyes."
(Fraser Sr. to his son regarding Gerrard)

"If you really loved me, son, you'd strangle him for me."
(Fraser Sr. trying to encourage his son to get revenge)

Fraser Sr.: "Son, did I ever teach you how to make a perfect noose?"

"Believe me, it's taking every ounce of restraint I have not to go back in there and separate his head from his shoulders."
(Fraser to Fraser Sr. about Gerard.)

Turnbull: "No, sir, I can't confirm that. But I can confirm that we have a bathroom."
(Gerrard yells that he needs to go to the bathroom. An annoyed agent asks Turnbull if it was Gerrard who yelled.)

"You know, sometimes you are the most annoying man that I know. There're plenty of times that I want to kill you and I'm your best friend."
(Ray, annoyed at Fraser for not seeing what's going on with Gerrard)

"Good dog. Bite him again."
(Fraser Sr. encouraging Diefenbaker to attack Gerrard again, after Fraser calls him off)

"Yeah, bite me."
(Beat-up Ray to ATF agent who then kicks him)

"Finally, somebody shoots him."
(Fraser Sr., more to himself, after MacFadden shoots Gerrard)

"People shrink when they die. Everybody knows that!"
(Fraser Sr. griping about Fraser commenting on how tall Gerrard seemed to him as a child, unaware it's all a ruse)

Ray: "Feel better?"
Fraser: "Well, no, Ray. I have a bullet in my leg."
(Ray and Fraser talking as MacFadden and his men shoot at them)

O'Neill: "Does he always whine like this?"
Fraser: "Well, I wouldn't use the word whine but he does have occasionally a nasal quality."
Welsh: "Yes. He does."
(discussing Ray's tone of voice)

"Ray, do you think I expect too much from people?"
(Fraser)

Ray: "Does the word 'sap' mean anything to you, Benny?"
Fraser: "Of course it does, Ray. It's from the Latin 'sparia.'"
Ray: "It is?"
Fraser: "Don't be a sap, Ray."

"All right, I'm coming. But remember, this is Chicago. If we crawl into this thing we might never come out!"
(Ray reluctantly follows Fraser into yet another sewer)

Ray: "You ate it?!"
Fraser: "Ray, calm down. I'm sure there's nothing in here less sanitary than...ooh, stay away from that, Ray."
Ray. "Out. That's it. Out! Now! Out.!"
(Ray is disgusted that Fraser just may have tasted a carrot he found in the sewer)

"What is it with you? Does dirt not stick to you? Were you Scotchguarded at birth?"
(Ray complaining as he's filthy after being in a sewer and Fraser is as neat as a pin, as usual)

"...I became hungry..."
"...so you ate a polar bear."
"Don't be ridiculous, Ray. I boiled my shoes."
(Fraser to Ray)

Fraser: "Your friend hates you."
Ray: "Ah, it's just a ploy."
Fraser: "She would like to see you incarcerated."
Ray: "Ah, so she likes handcuffs."
(after Ray mentions he has a friend in the State's Attorney department, they discuss Louise St. Laurent)

Ray: "I think she wants him."
Fraser: "For what?"
(Ray talking about how Thatcher is chasing after Robinson)

"The Dragon Lady and the Mr. Museum Guy? Boy, she must be desperate."
(Ray discussing Thatcher and Robinson to Fraser)

"What was that? Some form of secret Canadian you only speak to each other?"
(Ray to Fraser after Mountie speaks Tsimshian to David)

Ray: "Nice shirt."
Thatcher: "You caught me changing."
Ray: "I'm sure we did."
(Ray pointing noticing how Thatcher's shirt is half tucked in)

"Women 101. Learn at least one word in every foreign language."
(Ray explaining his dating tactics to Fraser)

"Coward."
(Ray to Fraser after the Mountie quickly scurries away when Louise St. Laurent comes over)

Ray: "Fraser, there's black smoke coming out of your apartment."
Fraser: "Not to worry. Let's go."
(it's due to a cooking fire from his houseguests)

"Fraser, can you recommend a place?"
"Um, 'Crabs 'n Things'?"
"Would you give [the restaurant guide] to Eric, please?!"
"Hey! How 'bout the Loose Moose?"
(Ray, Fraser, and Eric)

Ray: "You know what I'm talking about."
Eric [to Fraser]: "Remind me to ask you later."
Fraser [to Eric]: "I have no idea what he's talking about."
(discusisng Ray's dialogue concerning how to take a date to dinner)

"Sneaky. I like that."
(Ray approves of Gemini Rental Car clerk's underhanded methods)

Eric: "Special sauce. MacDonald's. His favorite."
Ray: "Really? 'Cause I was hoping this trail would lead us to Wendy's!"

"I don't believe this. We're tracking a Happy Meal!"
(Ray griping about following Fraser and Eric following fast food leads)

"Why is this my life? Mounties, wolves, Tsimshian."
(Ray just griping, as usual)

"Normally that would be cause for concern but seeing that we don't have any hard evidence or any real clues, dreaming them up might not be such a bad idea."
(Ray to Fraser about the Mountie's 'vision')

Ray: "Oh Louise. I'm hurt."
Louise: "Just wait till tomorrow night."

"The _Canadian_?! The Canadian is the killer? Oh, that's so unCanadian."
(Ray)

"You see this? This comes with a gun. Now can we get some service?"
(Ray waving his badge at a waiter, demanding service)

Ray: "How much?"
Fraser: "I think I'm going to have the soup."
Ray: "You're a good man."

[Diefenbaker protests]
Ray: "Who invited him?"
Fraser: "You did."
Ray: "To stay in the car."
Fraser: "Oh. Well then, I misunderstood. I just thought it being a special occasion, and that Diefenbaker was in part responsible for your --"
Ray: "Responsible?? He tagged along!"
Fraser: "He's been looking forward to this; he hasn't eaten all day."
Ray: "Fraser, there are no wolf portions on the menu."
[Dief protests again]
Ray: "Alright, alright -- I'll bring you a doggie bag!"
[Ray enters the restaurant, Dief strongly objects]
Fraser: "I'm just having the soup."

Fraser: "I think maybe we should go somewhere else for coffee."
Ray: "We get the side room, he gets the whole joint. He drinks hundred dollar bottles of wine and we get spit. He still runs this neighborhood. Boy, what I wouldn't give to go another round with him."
Fraser: "Perhaps we should just skip coffee altogether and go bowling."

"How can you be starving? You ate through half my raise!"
(Ray to Louis)

Fraser: "Ray, will you order me 'pigs in a blanket'?"
Ray: "You don't even know what they are."
Fraser: "They sound... yummy."

Fraser: "I'm sure Mr. Taylor will appreciate it."
Ray: "Appreciate what? Rat-infested wall coverings?"
(Ray's assessment of Fraser and his neighbors' efforts to spruce up their building)

"...Who's the rocket scientist who convinced them to redecorate?"
(Ray to Fraser, who then realizes Fraser is the person responsible)

Ray: "Yeah, Potter must be thrilled. The old weasel hasn't spent more than $1.98 on this place since you moved in."
Dennis: "Hey. I object to my employer being characterized in such a fashion."
Ray: "Being a fellow rodent, I expected you would."

"Fraser, how many of those mutants who live in your building do you think actually vote?"
(Ray to Fraser, regarding going to city hall to solve their problems)

Mackenzie: "They're pathetic, Fraser."
Fraser: "Yes, but in a good way."
(discussing Fraser's fellow tenants picketing on sidewalk)

"This may come to a shock to you and the Reverend, but real life is not a Frank Capra movie!"
(Mackenzie King to Fraser)

Mackenzie: "Are you listening?"
Fraser: "Not really. No."
(Fraser is ignoring Mackenzie King's diatribe while he pickets with fellow tenants)

Mackenzie: "You're a bad influence on me, Bento."

"Stop stealing the blanket."
[Dief whines]
"You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake. "
[Dief whines again]
"You're getting soft. I hope you realize that."
(Fraser to Dief when the power and heat goes off, the wolf tries to steal the blanket)

"People don't like to succeed, Fraser. It's a lot of responsibility. You tell a man he's going to die, he can accept that. You've given him a certainty. You ask that same man to take a gamble, to risk everything he has. Even if the prize is the fountain of youth itself, he'd sooner roll over in his ditch than take that chance."
(Potter to Fraser, re why he wouldn't buy back his apartment building)

Potter: "Throw another log on before you go. It's cold in here."
Fraser: "Yes, I would imagine it is."
(Fraser responds calmly but bitingly to the nasty Potter)

Fraser: "You kicked him."
Ray: "No, I didn't."
Fraser: "The man is unconscious."
Ray: "He's resting."
(after Ray kicks the Suburban Man in back of knee and knocks him to floor in city hall)

Ray: "Lozenges?"
Fraser: "Cherry flavour?"
Ray: "On their way."
(Ray and Fraser right before the filabuster.)

Fraser: "I attempted to feed the present to a walrus. Successfully, I might add."
Councilman 1: "I don't believe this."
Councilman 2: "At least he didn't start with Geronimo."
(Fraser begins his filabuster)

Anita: "The American shot him. Why is he apologizing?"
Welsh: "He's Canadian."
(Anita wonders why Fraser is taking the blame for what happened at the exercise when it wasn't his fault)

"We clean our own personnel here."
(Thatcher to Cortez who was wiping dirt off Fraser's neck and Thatcher decided to take over that task herself)

"Vecchio, are you familiar with that old Spanish expression, 'El guardio del trafico'?"
(Lt. Welsh to Ray)

Fraser: "No, it was a miscalculation, and I haven't made a miscalculation since..."
Ray: "Since when?"
Fraser: "Well, since the last time you shot me. I'm just grateful you had the presence of mind to shoot me again."
Ray: "Well, it wasn't my fault. She jumped the gun."
Anita: "She heard that."
Ray: "I know."
(The trio arguing in the Buick)

"Do you make an effort to be obnoxious or is it just a gift?"
(Anita to Ray)

"Mother's maiden name?"
"Pinsent."
(clerk and Fraser)

"Michelin. The man knows his tires."
(Fraser Sr. in regards to the assassin's footprints in snow)

Fraser: "Is this a dream or are you still dead?"
Fraser Sr.: "Still dead, son. Thanks for asking."

Fraser: "Completely unstable."
Fraser Sr.: "What?"
Fraser: "Nothing."
(Fraser muttering about his dead father)

"He comes. He goes. Never a word of warning."
(Fraser muttering to himself about his father's habit of just popping in and out)

Fraser: "Ray. Duck."
[THUD!]
Duck: "Quack, quack."
Fraser: "Anas platyrhynchos. Very unusual sighting for this time of year."
Ray: "Duck. [brushes self off] Duck. Duck means duck. Duck doesn't meant duck. I hate my life."

Anita: "I can take you out in a second."
Ray: "I'll consider that."

"Mr Bennett is the US trade official in charge of this summit. I don't believe I've had the pleasure."
"Helms, Bush, Casey"
(Welsh and the three agents)

Canadian: "We'll have our trade representative stay on the plane an extra 5 minutes. Then we'll meet up with the others - go out the back entrance. No need to tell the Americans or the Mexicans."
American: "The American Trade Rep will come out of the hatch second. The guy in the front will be a look-alike. Our guy will wait 5 minutes then enter the terminal."
American: "Don't tell the Mexicans or the Canadians."
Mexican #1: "Our man will stay for 5 more minutes in the plane. The Canadian comes in the back. The American is a double."
Mexican #2: "How do you know this?"
Mexican #1: "That's the advantage of being Mexican, they always think we're sleeping, but don't tell the American's or the Canadians."
(Different security attatchments talking to themselves)

"We gotta profile on our man based on his letter. First, he's a woman."
(Helms)

"I'm a log."
(Fraser)

"No trip to Disneyland, babe."
(jr. Casey)

"Yeah, the Granola Lady. They're going to have every healthy food store in the country surrounded by 5 o'clock!"
(Ray)

"Do you wanna drive?"
"Yes, uuuh, no, you drive, no I'll drive. You."
(Fraser and Thatcher)

Ray: "This is a hypothetical question, right?"
Fraser: "All right, Ray. Sure."
(Fraser is trying to tell Ray that Ian MacDonald needs their help)

"Just because somebody feels compeled to lie doesn't mean there isn't a germ of truth in there somewhere."
(Fraser to Ray about Ian)

Fraser: "You know, Ray, every piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit, it just gets us closer to finding that piece of the puzzle which does."
Ray: "Well, thank you, Grasshopper."

Fraser: "Never judge a book by its cover."
Ray: "Don't judge a book by its cover? Nobody says that anymore, Fraser."
Fraser: "My grandmother did."
Ray: "Oh, I knew she was behind this."
Fraser: "Behind what?"
Ray: "Oh, never mind."
Fraser: "Never mind what?"
Ray: "That your grandmother's behind this!"
Fraser: "You're making no sense, Ray."

"Great Scott. Turtles!"
(Fraser says this, out of the blue, to distract Ian)

Hotel Repairman: "Where's your horse?"
Fraser: "Well, I don't have one. I have a wolf, if that'll help you any."
Hotel Repairman: "You ride him?"
Fraser: "No. He's deaf."

Ray: "Ok, I'll give you an extension."
Ian: "Till when?"
Ray: "Till I change my mind."
Fraser: "Fair enough."

"I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon."
(Ray's remark when told to ask Bob about transportation; he then says it's just an expression when the woman hands him a plastic spoon)

"Fraser, the army does not like civilians snooping around in their back yard. They tend to respond with heavy ordinance."
(Ray, who doesn't want to visit an Army base)

Ray: "Why am I already regretting this?"
Fraser: "I can't imagine."
(Fraser agrees with Ray on the trip to the Army base; they must listen to Ian's UFO spiel)

"Do I have to remind you that you are a carnivore, that you are genetically predisposed to hunt, or have you forgotten?"
(Fraser to Dief)

"No, there's only thing to do and that's to mail you back to the Yukon."
(Fraser 'threatening' Dief when wolf becomes lazy)

"Ah ah, watch your language"
(Fraser warning to Dief, who growls at him)

"If you even so much as contemplate laughing, I'll crate you up so quickly that..."
(Fraser to Dief, after falling into trench, interrupted by approach of Buxley's truck)

"If you ever get the urge to help me, do me a favor. Resist it."
(Thatcher to Fraser)

"He's my brother, I HAVE to put up with him. What are YOU thinking?"
(Francesca to Fraser about Ray after Ray extorts a sandwich out of her)

"Nothing personal, just exercising my litigational rights, so to speak."
(Buxley to Fraser, about why he's suing Fraser)

Ray: "That open trench must be a figment of your imagination."
Fraser: "I fell into it, Ray."
Ray: "Then you fell into a figment."
(Ray has a hard time believing that there was a large hole in the road.)

"So what are you saying? There's some guy running around at four o'clock in the morning replacing wayward trench covers?"
(Ray to Fraser)

Ray: "Her ticket did not win, and mine did. End of story."
Fraser: "Ah."
Ray: "What do you mean 'Ah'? Frannie did not win. Is that clear enough?"
Fraser: "If you say so, yes."
Ray: "What, you been taking guilt lessons from my Ma?"
Fraser: "Not that I recall."
Ray: "All right, case closed, not another word of this to Frannie, all right?"
(long pause)
Ray: "I'll tell her when the time is right, ok?"
Fraser: "Ah."
Ray: "Will you stop with the 'Ah'?" (Ray to Fraser)

"A feather? Well, it certainly screams conspiracy to me, Benny."
(Ray to Fraser when Mountie finds feather in trench)

Ray: "Aren't you worried about your wolf around all these chickens?"
Fraser: "Well, as long as they [the chickens] aren't in possession of any Milk Duds, they should be fine."
Ray: "He hasn't kicked that junk food habit yet?"
Fraser: "You know, they say it's harder than heroin."
(discussing Dief's eating habits)

"This isn't my victory, Fraser. It's cosmic justice."
(Ray's excuse for cashing his and his sister's lottery ticket for himself)

"Your car's on fire."
"Oh please!"
"No, it is. It's burning away. All the other cars feel threatened."
(Fraser's feeble lie that Thatcher's car is on fire)

"What would you like me to do?"
"Interfere! You always interfere."
(Thatcher to Fraser when it appears he will let Buxley walk away)

"Oh dear."
(Fraser to Thatcher, when they get trapped in hot incubation room)

"Perhaps they were just trying to prevent the chicks from escaping."
(Thatcher to Fraser, regarding very secure door in incubation room)

"Suck an egg!"
(Lyndon Buxley to Sneed, who dips the man in egg)

"NOOOOOO!!"
(Both Francesca and Ray when they see chickens pecking apart their winning lottery ticket)

Ray: "...Which brings me to another subject I'd like to talk to you about."
Fraser: "Fire away."
Ray: "Women."
Fraser: "Enough."

"You know what his nickname is?"
"I haven't a clue."
" 'The Whiskey King of the Windy City'. Isn't that great?"
"Now see, Ray, I find that difficult to believe, in that nicknames generally tend to be a bit shorter...'Whiskey King' or 'Windy Guy'."
"Yeah, well, that's his nickname, all right? The 'Whiskey King of the Windy City.' You ask anybody."
"Excuse me, Sir...What is the bartender's nickname?"
"Murph."
(Ray and Fraser)

Ray: "You're never gonna guess who it's registered to."
Fraser: "Elliott Ness?"
Ray: "How did you know that?"
Fraser: "Well, it's quite simple, Ray..."
Ray: "No, simple for you is some long, drawn-out story from you from your grandmother's library in Runamukluk."
Fraser: "Well, actually, it *is* quite simple. It's engraved right here: 'E. Ness'. Now, guessing that the 'E' stood for 'Elliott' was just inspiration."
Ray: "Here. Give me that. You're not suppose to be carrying a gun anyway."
Fraser: "Tuktoyaktuk."
Ray: "What?"
Fraser: "You said 'Runamukluk'. I assume you're referring to the time when my grandmother moved her traveling library to Tuktoyaktuk."
Ray: "Oh. Tuk-to-yak-tuk, Runamukluk...What's the difference?"
Fraser: "Well, about 2000 kilometers."
Ray: "Is that necessary?"
Fraser: "Not entirely, no."
(Ray and Fraser discussing how Fraser knew the gun belonged to Elliot Ness)

"Okay, so the question is: How does a 16-year-old Catholic schoolgirl get a hold of the gun owned by the man who brought down Al Capone? *That* is the question... Not whether or not Tuktoyaktuk and Runamukluk are 2000 miles apart!"
"Kilometers, and I have no idea."
"Well, neither do I."
(Ray and Fraser)

"Great dress. Neiman's?"
"Sears."
"Really? Looks fabulous on you."
"Thank you."
(Elaine and Fraser)

"One other question: Do you think teal is my color, or should I lean towards mustard?"
"Who cares?"
"Well, I do."
(Fraser and Ray)

"Well, since you asked, if my name does come up...now, I'm not asking you to twist her arm or anything thing, but I'm just kinda curious what she thinks of me. You know, if she's holding a grudge or anything. Well, you know Sister Ann and I were...you know, used to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, before she was Sister Ann. And ...uh, ya know, things were going along and I wanted to get a little more intimate,you know, do more of the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, if you know what I mean?"
"All too clearly."
"OK, so there we were: doing a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and all of a sudden her ol' man burst through the door and he blows up like Krakatoa! He starts calling me all kinds of terrible names and forbids her from ever seeing me again. It was ugly, Fraser."
"I can imagine."
"So the question is: do you think that someone can get over that? You know, take it in stride and move on with their lives?"
"Ray, are you asking this question because..."
"And you think she became..."
"I knew it. Thanks."
(Ray and Fraser)

"Frank Nitti's flask, Elliot Ness's gun. What is this? A garage sale for the Untouchables?"
(Ray)

Fraser: " I believe this is yours."
Student: "But you weren't even looking."
Fraser: "That's completely unnecessary if you have even a rudimentary understanding of the principles of aerodynamics and trajectory. I'd be happy to explain them to you sometime if you'd like."
(Fraser returns a spit-ball to the student who shot it at him.)

"It takes 7 fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Save your energy, you're going to need it in your child-bearing years."
(Fraser offers some advice to one of the schoolgirls)

Fraser: "I think the person who invented pantyhose should be brought up on charges of cruelty, sadism and reckless endangerment. They pinch in the most inappropriate places."
Ray: "Yeah, well, most people who wear 'em don't have those places."
(Fraser attempting to change from his disguise to his uniform in the back of Ray's car)

Thatcher: "Is that perfume I smell, Fraser?"
Fraser: "Passion Flower, ma'am."
(Fraser forgot to remove his perfume before returning to work!)

"We are on to you, Miss... We see the way you're always opening doors for women, the way you're, like, incredibly tall and polite. We should have known it right from the start... You're a ...Canadian!"
(Two of the schoolgirls confront Ms. Fraser about his/her behavior)

Melissa: "Don't tell me they wanted the plain girls because I already know they don't."
'Ms.' Fraser: "No, actually, they wanted the girls with the sharpest teeth."
Melissa: "So you want me to file my teeth?"

"I see you have a taste for art deco."
(Johnstone to 'Ms.' Fraser, who then licks the flask)

"I can't take her anywhere."
(Ray to Johnstone, after 'Ms.' Fraser licks the flask)

Fraser: "Ray?....Manners."
Ray: "Ya know Benny..there's a limit."
Fraser: "A limit to good etiquette? I think not Ray."
Ray: "Just get in the car before I beat you with your purse."
(Fraser, in drag, insisting that Ray open the car door for him/her)

"...I have a profound understanding of the interior working of a young man's mind."
('Ms.' Fraser to Melissa)

Ray: "You owe me."
Fraser: "For what?"
Ray: "For saving you from dancing with a guy."
Fraser: "Well, it would appear that I am still dancing with a guy, Ray."
('Ms.' Fraser and Ray on dance floor)

"I'm no English major but that stuff is so purple I'm gettin' diabetes."
"You just mixed a metaphor, Ray."
"Yeah, well I said I was no English major."
(Ray and Fraser)

"He's coming over. What do I do?!"
"Show him your teeth."
(schoolgirl and Miss Fraser)

"How do you know they're in here?"
"Fungus, Ray."
"Of course."
(Ray and Fraser)

"Sounds like they're this way."
"Then I suggest we go *this* way."
"Do I dare ask for an explanation or I just take your word for it?"
"Well, it's similar to the Doppler effect, Ray...wherein the echoes bounce off the walls of the corridor and the pitch of the sound waves changes and amplifies..."
"I'll just take your word for it."
"Very good."
(Ray and Fraser)

"The girls aren't alone."
"The Doppler effect?"
"Size 12 running shoe print."
(Fraser and Ray)

Thug: "Shouldn't you be grading papers or something, gorgeous?"
POW!
Fraser: "Grading papers, indeed."
('Ms.' Fraser punches out thug in basement)

"You wouldn't hit a woman, would you?"
('Ms.' Fraser to Johnstone, just before he punches him out)

"Oh my God, Ms. Fraser. You're a cross-dresser!"
(Horrified Melissa when she discovers Ms. Fraser is actually Mr. Fraser)

Ray: "You know, Benny, you weren't a bad looking woman."
Fraser: "Thank you, Ray."
Ray: "You weren't exactly my type either."
Fraser: "Well, what exactly is your type, Ray?"
Ray: "Oh, I like a woman who is kind and honest with a good sense of humor."
Fraser: "Well, I don't have those qualities?"
Ray: "No, you do. I just like a woman who is, you know, a woman."
Fraser: "Oh, that's picky, Ray."
Ray: "Oh, don't get in a snit."
Fraser: "Oh, I'm not."
Ray: "Oh, good."
Fraser: "Oh, fine."
Ray: "So, what are you doing after work?"
Fraser: "Nothing with you."
Ray: "You are ssooo sensitive."