Brandauer: "Still a lieutenant, Harding?"
Welsh: "Still a jerk?"
(Welsh and Brandauer are obviously good friends...)

Landlady: "So, what's your story? You work in the circus?"
Fraser: "No, ma'am. Royal Canadian Mounted Police."
(Stan's landlady commenting on Fraser's uniform.)

Fraser: "In his youth, Diefenbaker displayed a keen interest in horticulture."
(Dief steals as many flowers as he can to place them at the base of a canine grave)

Stan: "But at no time did they say you'll be working with a Mountie who's got a wolf that's a florist."
(Stan complaining to himself in the crypt.)

"I have been acquainted with loss and on occasion loneliness."
(Fraser)

Fraser: "...I *can* tell you that after 72 hours, the smell of a caribou carcass is almost...hallucinogenic."

Stan: "You *are* unhinged..."
OFM: "You think?"

Stan: "Period. Dot it. File it. Stick it in a box marked 'Done'."

Stan: "On the inside I'm a poet, on the outside, mmph! Shake, bad guys, shake."
(Stan explaining himself to Fraser.)

Fraser: "I'd like to talk to him."
Stan: "Torture. That's a good idea. I never thought of that."
Fraser: "That's... that's very funny, Ray."
(Discussing interrogating Bruce Spender.)

Stan: "Polite cop. Bad cop. It might work."

Stan: "Guy had a gun."
Welsh: "He had a gun. Here in Chicago? A man had a gun. Oh, what is this world coming to?"
(Welsh's sarcastic response to Stan's excuse for busting Bruce.)

Elaine: "Here comes my replacement now."
(Frannie arrives)
Stan: "I'm going to pass a bullet through my brain."

Elaine: "... Released a year ago for good behavior. They think maybe he killed another con while he was in prison."
Fraser: "That's good behavior?"
Francesca: "Well, it's all relative. I mean, if the con was Jeffrey Dahmer..."

Welsh: "Hey, calvary's coming. Just like in the movies."
(Commenting on police academy cadets arriving in nick of time.)

Commandant: "What do we do after we've controlled a suspect?"
Stan: "Uh... kick him in the head."

Elaine: "I'm sure Francesca will work out fine."
Stan: "Oh no, no. She belongs on the Home Shopping Network, not at a police station."

Fraser: "Chainsaw."
Stan: "Massacre."
Fraser: "Closet."
Stan: "What kind of a question is that?"

Fraser: "You know, Ray, this is the 1890 Illinois Criminal Code."
Stan: "Old laws are the best laws, Fraser."
(Stan lamely explaining his following Stella.)

Dewey: "Is this guy for real?"
Huey: "The jury's still out on that."
(Discussing - who else? - Fraser.)

Stan: "Fraser, you know, if I want to know how to track musk ox across the tundra, fine. But when it comes to the dating habits of the Stella, I happen to be an expert."

"Chicago PD!! The first guy to exercise free speech gets a kick in the head!" (Stan tries to break up a fight.)

"The Constitution is a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
(Stan after he breaks up a fight between a person working for Orsini and the leader of the building protestors.)

Stella: "You think you're smart, don't you?"
Stan: "Nah, you're the smart one. I'm just pretty."

Stan: "Come on, Fraser, we don't have time to go sniffing hubcaps."

Welsh: "Are we boring you, detective?"
Stan: "No, I just see it better this way."
Thatcher: "Probably the way you saw it in the first place."
(After Welsh catches Stan shutting his eyes during a discussion.)

Welsh: "What does that body language tell you?"
Stan: "We're sinking."

Welsh: "Occupational homicide, happens every day."
Stan: "At the post office, maybe."

Fraser: "Could you elucidate, sir?"
Welsh: "No, no. Not since the late sixties."
Ray: "That's Canadian for explain."

Stan: "Are you saying both had their hands on the knife?"
Welsh: "Who cares? Look, you load a gun, you cock the trigger, you give the gun to Thatcher, she uses it on Fraser. I find out your hand was on the gun, you both go away."
Thatcher: "I would never shoot a fellow officer."
Welsh: "That's 'cuz you never had Ray working under you. You'd change your tune."
Stan: "What??"
Welsh: "Hey, I'd shoot you."

Thatcher: "Fraser."
Fraser: (to Stan) "Duty calls."
Stan: "Bellows, more like."

Stan: "Those kids are immature."
Fraser: " Well, they're children, Ray."

Stan: "Listen to you two. You need professional help."
Fraser: "Psychiatric?"
Stan: "No, cop help."

Fraser: "Beautiful children."
Janet: "They're brats."

Fraser: "By any chance, do they have psychiatrists in the afterworld?"
(To his dead father.)

Welsh: "See the hot dog guy?"
Francesca: "You can eat? They're bleeding up there."
Welsh: "The blood never spatters this far."
(Watching boxing match.)

Frannie: "What's with him [Dief]?"
Fraser: "He won't speak to me. The alarm clock went off at 5am and he wouldn't budge so I reprimanded him for being slothful."
Frannie: "5am - isn't that like dark?"
Fraser: "Yes."

Stan: "You admit that I'm right or I'll pop you in the head."
Fraser: "We're now dealing with logic now, are we?"

Gang Member: "That's a bad-ass outfit."
Fraser (to Stan): "He insulted the uniform."
Stan (to Fraser): "He meant good. Bad means good. He digs the uniform."
(After gang member uses lingo on Fraser.)

Stan: "That's D-U-M dumb."

Fraser: "Have you seen Ray?"
Francesca: "Yeah, he said he was going some place to think. Whatever mythical place that might be."

Devlin: "Don't worry. Mason won't hurt him ... much."
(To Fraser, as Stan spars with a much better, bigger boxer.)

Fraser: "And you feel better?"
Stan: "Ah yeah, I feel better."
Fraser: "Mentally and spiritually, I presume, because your physical condition is truly appalling."
(After Stan is beaten up in a sparring match.)

Stan: "Those stiffs in the morgue have more curiosity than Mort."

Fraser: "It's sad and pathetic to watch a grown man gloat over besting a dog."
Stan: "You have your hobbies. I have mine."

Welsh: "You killed a guy for scalping?"
(To Stan, after the mention of ballet tickets come up.)

Ray: "Are you completely nuts Fraser?"
Fraser: "No, not completely."
Ray: "The guy is a mental patient Fraser - he picks up taxi calls on a plate in his head.

Fraser: "I hope Francesca doesn't mind me using her station."
Stan: "Yeah, right. She'll never wash the keyboard again."

Welsh: "Canadians have computers now?"
Fraser: "Strangely, yes."

Stan: "Fraser, do you think I'm losing my hair?"
Fraser: "It's full-bodied and bushy, Ray."

"A man with style is a man who can smile."
(Kowalski as he is frisked by Volpe.)

Cahill: "Oh, uh, Dewey. Tell Huey I'm sorry about Louie."

Francesca: "You smell great."
Fraser: "That would be the neats-foot oil."
Francesca: "You wear neat's-foot oil?"
Fraser: "On my Sam Browne. ... my belt."
(Odd discussion in closet.)

Stan: "Anything moves that slow is not a sport."
Turnbull: (annoyed) "Not a sport?"
Stan: "This is not a sport. It's housework."
Turnbull: "It is a calling."
Stan: "It may be a pastime, it may even be a hobby, but it is definitely not a sport."
Turnbull: (upset) "Do you want to fight?"
Stan: "Over curling??"
Turnbull: "Yes, what if I made fun of baseball?"
Stan: "All right."

"Sir, your presence."
"'Your presence'? What are you? Like a king or something?"
"To Turnbull, yes."
(Turnbull, Kowalski and Fraser)

Fraser Sr.: "Close the door, son. Anyone would think you were born in a barn."
Fraser: "I was."

Turnbull: "In Canada, when we wish someone to leave the room, we say 'could you please leave the room?'"
Stan: "Could you please leave the room before I punch you in the head?"

Stan: "You came back emptyhanded!"
Fraser: "But not emptytrousered!"
(unbuttoning his tunic, unzipping his jodhpurs and pulling out a stack of files)

Stan: "I'm not going to jail. The food, the conversation, the sexual hijinks, I can't handle it."
Fraser: "You may not have to, Ray. I think help is on the way."
Stan: "Oh yeah. In what form?"
Fraser: "Diefenbaker."
(Stan and Fraser, both in red serge and tied to chairs, await help.)

Kilrea: "Two guys in red suits, people, how hard can it be?"
(Yelling to his men who crawl over all garage, and of course, can't find Stan and Fraser.)

Scalper: "Hey, you need Leaf tickets?"
Stan: "Leafs suck."
Scalper: "Leafs rule."
Stan: "Hawks rule."
Scalper: "Hawks suck."
Stan: "You suck."
Fraser: "You are bilingual, Ray."
(Stan talking to scalper in Toronto.)

"Ooh, the mothership."
(Ray talking about the RCMP office in Toronto)

Welsh: "We wouldn't want another War of 1812 on our hands, would we?"
Bowman: "I don't blame you. You lost that war."
Welsh: "The War of 1812? No, we didn't."
Bowman: "The name Queenston Heights ring a bell with you? We cleaned your clocks."

"What was that all about?"
"What was what all about?"
"You know perfectly well what, Inthatcher Spector's loins."
(Fraser and Fraser Sr.)

"Stanley Smith. You're our next contestant on prison life ... come on down!"
(Stan)

Stanley: "She's a babe, though, huh? The file lady."
Stan: "Hey! That's my sister!"
(Stan snapping at Stanley in interrogation room after Francesca comes by.)

Stan: "Hey, what do you think you're doing? The hat's sacred, okay?"
(After Stanley tries on Fraser's Stetson.)

Welsh: "Oh God, did something die in here? Better lay off those mooseburgers."
(Welsh's comments on smell in men's room, unaware it wasn't Fraser, but is a dead body in one of the stalls.)

Ford: "Oh mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy....."
(After Adolph Kuzma hits him in the, ahem, nether regions.)

Francesca: "Being around death is just ... it's so forbidden. It's kind of exciting."
Fraser: "Some people, some dead people, they are exciting. (looks at his father). Some dead people are not exciting."
(Francesca and Fraser hiding in the morgue while Fraser Sr. talks away.)

Stan: "Let's get him in here and mess with his head."
(Stan suggesting what to do with potential murderer Dinardo.)

Fraser: "I hate to admit it, but I lied to him."
Stan: "Oh, nothing happened, did it? You weren't struck by lightning, sky didn't fall in."
Fraser: "Well, not yet, but it might have. It might well be the start of a slippery slope." Stan: "Oh yes, I believe you're going to Hell in a handcart."
Fraser: "It's not something to laugh about. I might well be."
(Fraser explains how he got Dinardo to come to the station.)

Mort: "Is he one of mine?"
Fraser: "No, he's material evidence in a criminal investigation. I just took the liberty of storing him here earlier."
Mort: "Was he dead at that time?"
Fraser: "Very dead.."
Mort: "Oh, then.... "
(Discussion as Fraser picks up Rankin's body and leaves the morgue.)

Stan: "I can't swim."
Fraser: "The quality of the water alone will kill us."
(On top of warehouse from where they must leap to save their lives.)

Stan: "Does everybody in Canada know everybody?"
Fraser: "No."

Fraser: "Nothing like good honest work. There's nothing like it, is there?"
Stan: "Hell, maybe."
(Fraser happily shovels coal.)

Smithers: "Ah, Constable Fraser. I thought you were undercover."
Fraser: (beat) "I was."

"You know what's funny? This is not the room I was looking for. I was looking for the, um, the skull...the top, the--the front..."
"The head?"
"The *head.*"
(Kowalski and Calhoon)

Fraser: "Tell me where my partner is...or I shall kick you in the head."
Crewman: "Really?"
(beat)
Fraser: "Ah, no."
(Fraser interrogating criminal on sinking ship)

"Gold...this could have been made into hundreds of wedding bands..."
(Francesca)

"Get my gun!"
"Ah, I imagine you would like me to shoot off your handcuffs."
"Yes, some time this week would be nice, Fraser!"
(Kowalski and Fraser)

Fraser: "All right, Mr. Instinct."
(Sarcastically, and he lets Stan open up a door, and a wall of water rushes in!)

"Would you look at that!"
"It's a fish!"
"It's a sign, Ray."
"It's not a sign, Fraser, it's a fish!"
"Well, it's a trout, actually, which is a sign that the water quality in the Great Lakes is returning to normal."
"It's not a sign, Fraser, it's a fish! That means the boat's sinking, we're dying!"
"Well, yes, it's a sign of that too."
(Fraser and Kowalski)

Francesca: "Who's going to take on a job as revolting and tedious as that?"
(Welsh, Thatcher and Francesca all look at Turnbull, who gets the job of dialing literally hundreds of phone numbers.)

Stan: "Come on, light another one."
Fraser: "I think we should save the others for an emergency."
Stan: "And this is what? - a recreational swim?"
(Fraser doesn't want to use all his waterproof matches... yet.)

Stan: "What do I do with my feet?"
Fraser: "Just kick, kick as though you were interviewing a suspect."
(Fraser teaches Stan how to swim.)

"Bloom, close, kick 'im in the head...bloom, close, kick 'im in the head...bloom, close, kick 'im in the head..."
(Fraser's swimming lesson)

Stan: "What was that, Fraser?"
Fraser: "What was what?"
Stan: "That thing you were doing with your mouth."
Fraser: "Oh, that's buddy breathing. You seemed to be in a bit of, well, having a problem, and I have excess lung capacity so..."
(After Fraser practices buddy breathing on the cop.)

Fraser: "That was exciting, wasn't it?"
Stan: "Really exciting, Fraser. I can't swim!"

Frannie: "And were not playing games ash tray."
Thomas: "Ash tray?!"
Frannie: "Were here to get some information and were going to get that information."
Thomas: "Get out of my face."
Frannie: "You know, you don't seem to understand that there are people out there that we care about, hair bottle."
Thomas: "Hair bottle?!" Frannie: "And were not going to let a little piece of melon like you get in our way. Do you understand?"
Thomas: "Melon?!"
Thatcher: " You know what she means."
Thomas: "No I don't. Melon, ash tray, hair bottle?! What kind of a talk is this? Some kind of a code?"
(Francesca is interrogating the prisoner, and mangling all the words.)

Stan: (after Fraser spits out oil) "What? Found something you can't eat?"

Fraser: "Very high arsenic content."
Stan: "Fraser, spit it out."
Fraser: "No, you know, a little bit of arsenic can't hurt you."
(Fraser is taste-testing all the drums in the ship's hold.)

Welsh: "Is he all right?"
Thatcher: "With Turnbull, one can never tell."

Stan: "You got any idea where we are?"
Fraser: "Yes, you're right behind me and I'm right in front of you."

Stan: "This is what I love about you, Fraser. That real positiive you know everything's going to work out fine kind of attitude. It really butters my muffin."

Fraser: "Andy Calhoon, oblique stroke Vic Hester, you are under arrest."