"Irish Prayer"
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please Lord", he implored, "let it be blood!!"

"Irish Shopping"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.  "S' cuse
me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what
was that all about?"  "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out
for a jar of olives!"

"You've Been Out Drinking Again"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing.  So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat
on his face.  He tried to stand one more time; same result.  He figured
he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.  So he decided to
crawl the four blocks home.  When he arrived at the door he stood up and
fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.  This time he
managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and
is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.  He was awakened the
next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN
DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"  "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut.  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"  "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then
why do I smell wine?"  The priest looks at the bottle and says,  "Good Lord!
He's done it again!"

"The Reunion"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy
him a drink.  "Why, of course," comes the reply.  The first man then asks,
"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.  "I can't believe it, Me too!  Lets have another
round of drinks to Dublin."  "Of course"  The second man can't help himself
so he asks,  "What school did you attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first
man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in
union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street.  They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."  Then
they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

"DRINKING BUDDIES"
An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub together.  The Scotsman shouts,
"Drinks for the house are on me!"
Next day's headlines: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind
pub"

"IT BEATS DISNEYLAND"
Q:  Where do Irish families go on vacation?
A: To a different pub.

"THE BROTHEL,REVISITED"
A threadbare, old Irishman knocks on the door of London's most exclusive
brothel.  The madam comes to the door, does a doubletake and says, "What the
hell do you want, old man?"  "I want MiMi", replies the old man.  "You've
got to be kidding," says the madam. "Mimi's one of our most exclusive - she
charges 1000 pounds a trick!"  The old man calmly reaches into his pocket
and peels off 1000 pounds.  So the madam calls Mimi and the deed is done.
This goes on the next night, the next night and so on until on the 5th
go-around, Mimi says, "Where the hell are you coming from, old man?  This is
the first time, anyone has paid me 1000 pounds 5 nights in a row."  The old
man says, "I'm Sean O'Toole and I'm visiting from Portaclay." Mimi says,
"What a small world, my sister lives in Portaclay, too!" "Yes, I know", says
the old man, "And when she heard I was coming to London she asked me to
bring you the 5000 pounds she owes you."