Barneyisms
From Episode #93, "Dogs, Dogs, Dogs"
Andy: Well, you needn't be.
Barney: Opie, you don't have to worry about 'em. What could happen?
Opie: Well, that lightning, what about that?
Barney: Oh, a dog can't get struck by lightning. You know why? Because he's too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now if they were giraffes out there, then we'd be in trouble. You sure don't have to worry about dogs. (Thunder)
Opie: I'm worried about 'em, Pa.
Andy: Ah..
Barney: What were dogs a million years ago,
wild animals, right? Wolves, coyotes, they know how to hunt and fish and look for shelter.
You take them two big Airedales. Why they looked as healthy as horses to me. And the
little spotted one, he was in fine shape.
Opie: But the little one I first came in with, he was a trembler, wasn't
he?
Barney: Him? why, the big ones will take care of him. The big ones take
care of their own. (Thunder) And you know dogs have a way of keepin' dry. Ya know that,
They're insulated, you see, they've got this fur...it keeps them cool in the summer and
warm and dry in the winter. They're really set up better than human beings as far as that
goes. (Thunder and lightning) And as far as the little one goes, why the big ones, they'll
take care of him...the little trembly one...(Thunder) and they're short, you see, close to
the ground, that way they can't get struck by lightning. Now if they wuz giraffes they'd
have been hit by now, uh..., but dogs are short and they take care of their own. Giraffes
don't. No, giraffes don't at all. Boy, giraffes are selfish, just run around looking out
for number one, getting hit by lightning, but dogs....(Thunder) You just gonna sit there
or you coming with me??
Andy: What?
Barney: To get them dogs, are you coming with me?
From Episode # 90, "Barney's First Car"
Andy: It's a major step.
Barney: The last big buy I made was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.
Andy: What did you get them?
Barney: A septic tank.
Andy: For their anniversary?
Barney: Yeah, oh they're really hard to buy for. Besides it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. Two tons of concrete, all steel reinforced.
Andy: You're a fine son, Barn.
Barney: I try.
From Episode #108, "Opie and His Merry Men"
Andy: I didn't take it.
Aunt Bee: This is strange. Mrs. Brewer called and said someone walked off with half a turkey, Mrs. Jason called and says somebody has raided her fruit and vegetable bin.
Andy: Huh...Mrs. Porter just said somebody took a whole ham.
Aunt Bee: Heavens, what do you think it is?
Andy: I don't know.
Barney: You know what I think it is?
Andy: Huh?
Barney: I think it's a fox.
Andy: A fox?
Barney: Yeah a fox. Come down out of the hills. You know we had this dry spell, well they come down out of the hills for food and water. That's what it is. A hungry fox forging around.
Aunt Bee: A fox, for goodness sake. A fox, loose here in Mayberry? (Aunt Bee leaves)
Andy: A fox, huh?
Barney: Yeah, a fox.
Andy: Will you answer me one thing?
Barney: What?
Andy: How can a fox open a refrigerator door...
From Episode #103, "Opie's Ill-Gotten Gain"
Andy: I don't remember you getting all As.
Barney: I did that once. Remember? The teacher made such a fuss about it that all the kids hated me.
Andy: I don't remember.
Barney: Well, it's a fact. I didn't want 'em thinking I was some kind of a snob or an egghead or something, so I buckled down and got bad marks.
Andy: That must have taken real effort.
Barney: You think you're kidding. Listen, an IQ can be a mixed blessing sometimes. Some people want it and can't get it. I got it and had to get rid of it. Life's funny that way, you know?
From Episode #91, "The Rivals"
Andy: Sounds to me more like your show cone was leaking.
Barney: Boy I sure did like her.
Andy: She didn't like you back, huh?
Barney: Oh well no, it wasn't that so much. I don't know. It was mostly her stuck up attitude.
Andy: Yeah?
Barney: She used to walk around in long curls and print dresses and patented leather shoes and her nose up in the air. Boy she really thought she was hot stuff.
Andy: Why?
Barney: Oh her Daddy was in the civil service. Boy if I knew then what I know now. She used to do one thing that really used to burn me up.
Andy: What was that.
Barney: Well you know how I like snow cones...
Andy: Raspberry.
Barney: Right. Well there wasn't a day went by that I didn't offer that girl a bite of my snow cone. You know what she used to do every single time?
Andy: What?
Barney: She used to bite off the end, sip out all the syrup, and leave me with nothing but the ice.
Andy: The ice?
Barney: Yeah, the ice.
Andy: That's terrible.
Barney: Yeah.
Andy: Today you'd know different.
Barney: Oh are you kidding. Listen if I had a date with Vickie Harms today, and I got myself all shaved, and I went over to her house with my snow cone, you know what I'd do?
Andy: What?
Barney: The minute she opened that door, I bite off the end of the cone, sip out the syrup, and hand her the ice. What do you think of that?
Andy: Well I'll tell you the truth, Barn. If I was Vickie Harms and a thirty-five year old man come up to my house with a snow cone in his hand, I wouldn't even answer the door.