Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time for us to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break! He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp!
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs, you know! sometimes I need something, too! Yesterday I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears!
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He asked me if this time I would say HIS name at the glorious moment."
Oh, what a glorious morning! The sun is shining, the birds are singing. My needs have been fulfilled. Everything is perfect.
Again?
This Viagra thing is going to his head. (No pun intended.) Yesterday at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if he wanted a whopper. He told him, "No, thanks, I've already got one."
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed whacker.
OK, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to do?
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black & Decker!
I wish he was gay! I've bought him 20 Liza Minnelli albums and the Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me!
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Everytime I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile!
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on!
I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to have to kill him. I just worry about this one thing.....how will they ever get the lid to close on his casket?
