Tips For Beer Monsters

SYMPTOM	Feet cold and wet.
FAULT	Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM	Feet warm and wet.
FAULT	Improper bladder control.
ACTION	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM	Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT	Glass empty.
ACTION	Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM	Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT	You have fallen over backward.
ACTION	Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM	Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT	You have fallen forward.
ACTION	See above.
SYMPTOM	Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT	Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM	Floor blurred.
FAULT	You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION	Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM	Floor moving.
FAULT	You are being carried out.
ACTION	Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM	Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT	Bar has closed.
ACTION	Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM	Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION	Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM	Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT	You are dancing on the table.
ACTION	Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM	Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT	It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION	Punch him.
SYMPTOM	Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT	You have been in a fight.
ACTION	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM	Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT	You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION	See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM	Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT	The beer is too weak.
ACTION	Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM	Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT	Beer is just right.
ACTION	Play air guitar.

 

 

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