These are "tips of the moment" and "current thoughts" that have appeared on my home page, along with explanations of where they came from or what inspired them. They are in chronological order from most recent (top) to oldest (bottom).
Tip of the moment: Check the springs when you change the batteries.
I recently got a Palm PDA as a present from my wife. I changed the batteries for the second time since I got it and rushed off to an appointment. Upon arriving, I discovered my Palm had reset and I'd lost everything. Investigating, I discovered one of the springs that's supposed to make contact with a battery was bent sideways. I fixed it and restored all my data upon my first opportunity. (Yes, as recommended, I'd done a HotSync just before changing them.)
Tip: Leave the holes in your walls alone.
In preparing a bedroom for our new baby, I needed to install a proper
phone jack where the current one was simply hanging out of the wall on
wires. In the process of fooling with it, I managed to make the hole
bigger and bigger, so I had to replace a section of sheetrock before I
could install the outlet.
Thought: Say "leather leisure suit" fast five times.
My wife was telling about one of her co-workers wearing a leather
leisure suit for some reason. She had such difficulty saying it, it
took her several tries before she did so successfully. She discovered
a new tongue-twister!
Tip: Don't forget to change your tax withholdings!
This tax season, my wife and I were hit with a major payment to the
federal goverment. It seems I forgot to change my deductions when my
wife got a full-time job. (Break out the W-4.)
Tip: Get a second opinion for your car's ailments, too.
I had a supposed Honda specialist shop do my car's tune up and check
on what was wrong with my air conditioner. They told me either of two
parts might be broken and how much it would be to replace each. I
decided to wait to have it fixed. Eventually, I toook it somewhere
else to have the A/C fixed. They checked it over and told me that the A/C
in some of Honda's models won't work unless it's absolutely full of
freon. That was my only problem: it was missing a few ounces of
freon. (Mind you, thanks to the EPA, checking it for leaks and
filling it up cost almost as much as the first shop's estimate for one
of the two parts that needed replacing.) I won't embarras myself by
saying how long I went without A/C because of this.
Tip: Replace both washing machine hoses at the same time.
I came home from lunch one day to find water coming out from under
the door. One of the washing machine hoses had burst and been
gushing water for up to three hours. Two days later, the other
hose did the exact same thing. We had to replace the floors in three
rooms. If I had been thinking straight when the plumber was there the
first time, I would have had him replace both hoses. It's hard to
think straight while you're trying to clean up a flooded house.
Tip: Don't walk on fresh laser surgery wounds.
I recently had some laser surgery done on my foot. Although the
doctor insisted I would be able to walk on it, it began bleeding
profusely the next day. He insisted it was okay and I should just
walk on my toes instead of my heel, where the bleeding wound was. I
couldn't seem to convince him I was doing this already.
Thought:
Just then the floating, disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling: Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down, and short is long And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong
This is a snippet of the song Everything You Know Is Wrong by "Weird Al" Yankovic, from his new album, Bad Hair Day. What are you waiting for? Go buy it now!
Thought: "You will receive a fortune. (cookie)"
This was the fortune in a fortune cookie I received, misplaced period
and all. With accuracy like that, it's a shame Alabama doesn't have a
lottery. I'm sure the numbers on the back would have been the
previous week's winners. 8)
Thought: Babies don't take holidays.
When recently carded while buying some alcohol, the cashier noted my
birthday is Jan. 1st. As is typical, she asked if I was the first.
"Not even close," I replied. (I was born around 11:00 AM.)
"That's funny," she said, "you'd think there'd be fewer born that day."
This struck me as about the stupidiest thing I'd heard in a
long time.
Thought: No one cares how well a blank disk spins.
This was inspired while I stood in the Newark airport, waiting for my
luggage. We (the passengers) stood there for quite a while watching
the empty luggage carousel spin. It basically means that no one cares
how well something works if it doesn't have anything to do. (e.g. an
empty luggage carousel, a blank disk.)
Tip: Don't work for a company that's been in the red for 10
quarters.
I, along with a few hundred others, was laid off from Intergraph after
working there for two years. They were unprofitable during that entire
time and eariler. Ironically, Intergraph kept hiring during this
period. Although they have indeed managed to get back in the black
the following quarter, it wasn't long until they were back in the red.
Tip: If your cat which usually stays inside gets out, look
behind the hedges.
Our cat, who has never been an outdoor cat, got out one night without
our realizing until we went to bed. We did not see him and he did not
come when called. As I drove around the neighborhood calling, my wife
kept checking around our house. A neighbor saw her when he came home
and came over to help. "When my cats get out, they usually hide in the
shrubs," he said as he checked. There was our cat, hiding in the
hedges beside the house. If he ever gets out again, that's where
we're going to check first!